Friday, March 2, 2007

here we go again...

have you ever asked yourself why you try?
have you ever wondered what it was in you that other people seem to see?
do they see it out of pity? do they just pick up on the little voice in your head screaming at the top of it's little lungs NOTICE ME NOTICE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME BE MY FRIEND AND APPRECIATE ME TELL ME I MATTER!!!
for me, right now, that's where i'm at.
i don't know why, but i've been second guessing people's feelings toward me lately. i know this probably sounds pretty self loathing and pathetic... but it's true.
i don't know where to go from here... who to take with me... who to leave behind.
i have a beautiful wonderful amazing girlfriend who i love more than anyone in the world. she makes me feel alive. she makes me feel invisible. she makes me feel like shit... she makes me feel important. she makes me feel all fuzzy and special... she makes me feel loved and right now that's what i want most in life...



there's always a but, itsn't there?

something's missing.

something big.


lately i've been wondering about everything. i've been putting everything i hold dear, every little trait i love about myself on trial.

i need to move. i need to get out of this fucking miniscule gigantic city and do some self reflection.

maybe i should take yoga. meditate. go to the woods and just lose myself and actually

or start writing songs again. i want to, i'm just worried all of them are going to turn out completely and utterly depressing and i won't want to hear them once they're finished.

the only thing i still love about myself is the way i write.
the way i sing.
i'm thinking though that it might only be a matter of time before my love for music dissolves like everything else seems to be.

what the fuck is going on with my life?

i think the last time i was happy... the last time i was completely and truly happy and satisfied was at a concert about three to five months ago. i know, i don't even know when it was.
don't judge me, people go through slumps in their lives, this is just a significantly long one, that's all.

i was at a dresden dolls concert at Bimbo's in san francisco. i had gone there intending on meeting up with three of my "good friends" at the time.
i waited around in front for fourty five minutes past the time they said they'd be there, and none of them showed. i didn't know what to do with myself. here i was, about to see one of the most influential people in my life sing her fucking gorgeous heart out onstage and i had no one to share it with. i should have been the happiest woman in the world... but something was keeping me from the bliss i assumed i would be feeling the entire night. i finally gave in and made a call to one of the girls who was supposed to be coming with me from a pay phone down the block. she blew me off.
"well julie... we all realy wanted to go, but then we got to talking, and its not that we didnt want to go, but frankly, and i speak for all the girls, we didn't want to go with YOU. don't take it the wrong way, none of us knows exactly why, but i think we're over it. ... you, i mean. you can call us if you want in a couple days, but if you don't have to i wouldn't suggest it because it would be really awkward. sorry babe. be well move on and im sure all of us will be a lot better off without eachother's company."
she hung up. that's it. friendship over... its like she was cancelling a credit card or something. she was so calm and blasé... i was taken aback.


i was at a loss.... should i stay or should i go? i wanted to leave... only because of the fact that the tears welling up in my eyes wouldn't fucking stay back for five minutes at a time and i felt i might have been scaring people.
i went outside to have a cigarette and try to make up my mind.
one of the opening bands was playing.
i took a couple drags and deep breaths and calmed down enough to stop sobbing for a few minutes.
there i was, leaning against the side of a tour bus right outside the venue, pretending to seem interested while this girl from seattle who had flown in an hour before to come to this concert was talking her fucking face off at me. god... i remember distinctly that i didn't know if she ever even stopped to take a breath... and to tell you the truth, not a word that came out of her mouth fully registered with me. my mind was racing. i would start to take a few steps in the direction of the bus stop and then stop dead... angry at myself for not trying to enjoy what i had been waiting for for at least two years, angry at my friends for making it so difficult for me to appreciate and take in everything that was happening...
i leaned back and conked my head against the side of the bus a couple times and started to full out cry.
the girl walked away.
i think she felt uncomfortable.
that made me happy in a dark sort of way.

amanda palmer steps gracefully down the steps out of the bus and turns my way as i look up and do a double take in her direction.
amanda palmer steps out of the tour bus and strides towards me.
amanda palmer.
steps out of the bus.
i see her.
she walks and she's getting closer and she's so gorgeous and i owe so much to her and her beautiful music and sexy low melodious voice that i consider getting down on my hands and knees and asking her to take me away from here and my life-
can i come with you?
how do you seem to look through me and past me and into my soul at the exact same time...
how do you-
she's looking at me.
she notices me looking at her as she's walking toward me floating an inch above the sidewalk the most amazing person that i've ever said a word to is looking at me into me through me over me....
looking me over.
i want to say something-
i want to tell her just how much her songs have meant to me and just how much she's helped me but i can't.
i can't say anything. it's too intense.
the person i respect more than any other musician on the face of the planet and i can't say or do anything besides look. take her in... try as hard as i can to burn that one moment into my memory forever...
i change my mind but it's too late. she's already walked past me, and as i gaze at her from behind kicking myself hard for being so closed up, she turns and looks back at me.
and smiles.

she smiles.

at me.


i don't know what it was... but that was the happiest moment i've had in more than donkey years.
hordes of donkey years.
great thundering stampeding wild crazed drunken burro years.

and it's just because a girl noticed me.

amanda if you're reading this thank you.
thank you for everything you've given me.
the confidence to rock the fuck out...
to know that being human isn't a curse... it's a blessing.
i hope i see you again... maybe next time i'll be able to say something.

it will probably be somewhere along the lines of
take me with you.
take me away from here.
let me sit by you for a while and just look at me and i will be the happiest girl on the face of the planet i swear.

you touched my leg once.
it was at the free show in sf at amoeba records a few months before.
you signed my thigh and i told you that you were the only woman my girlfriend would let me cheat on her with.
you smiled because it made you uncomfortable.
i'm sorry.
i'm bad at saying things...

take me with you.
i know you wouldn't...
but if i could ask of you just one thing-
look at me again.
smile at me.
make my day a lovely one.